Think (FIRST about INTENT) Before You Speak
Think before you speak. Have you ever been told that? It’s wise advice. When I coach people about being more effective in their communication, I remind them to FIRST figure out what you are trying to accomplish through a conversation. By establishing the INTENT of the conversation, the right words will form in your brain. And if the right words form in your brain, it is more likely that the right words will come out of your mouth and the wrong words will not. Simply put – Your communication mantra should be: 1st Mind (Intent), 2nd Body (Stance), 3rd Mouth (Words)
Example – Randy, please shut up and listen: A manager I was coaching a couple of years back, asked me to follow him around for a day to see if I could figure out why people didn’t want to work with him – (that’s the polite way of saying… they thought he was a jerk). So Randy and I went off to his first meeting. I asked Randy:
CNM: “So who called this meeting?”
RANDY: “The director we are meeting with”
CNM: “And what is the topic (INTENT) of this meeting?”
RANDY: “I have no idea”
CNM – to myself: “OK then, this is going to be good!”
Do you know what Randy did? He sat down in the director’s office and started talking! And TALKED… And TALKED… and TALKED… For 20 minutes, he hijacked the conversation and did not let the director get a word in. Finally, in frustration, the director said, “Randy! I asked you here today to discuss…”
CNM – to myself: “Oh, thank goodness she finally stopped him!”
20 minutes wasted because Randy did not think before he spoke. Randy did not clarify what the intent of the conversation was, nor did he let the director clarify. Therefore, everything that came out of his mouth for the first 20 minutes annoyed the director. And yes, she probably thought Randy was a jerk.
Example – This I Believe: The Power of a Mindset: Recently my daughter Kristen wrote a heart-touching paper for her writing class in the THIS I BELIEVE format. It was moving to me because it demonstrated how her words and her actions followed from her belief. Her belief: “Though we are not all created equal in our talents, strengths, beauty or IQ, each one of us needs to treat each other as if no one is above another.” Throughout her academic year I watched her struggle with what that mindset meant for her choice of words and choice of actions. And at times her intent and the choice of action that followed meant she paid a price with her friends; a party she was not invited to because she told a friend to stop talking behind another friend’s back. I watched her introduce herself to the new kid and make her feel welcomed. I saw her strength in spirit when she switched to a ‘less cool’ lunch table, to make room for others. Firm in her belief, her words, her actions, followed her intent. Not easy for a 12 year old! And yet, because her actions and words came from her intent – she grew in so many ways!
Final example – Apples in the Trash: And so the coach has to coach herself. Recently my significant other had a sore throat. So my mothering began: feeling his forehead, making sure he gargled with salt water, etc. In addition, I cut up a few apples (because they always make my throat feel better). A little while later I noticed a couple of apple slices in the trash – this just after I asked him if he had eaten a couple (And he said he had). Ok, I said to myself. What’s with this? Why did he say he ate them when they are in the trash? Do I ask him about this? Am I over-mothering and he just doesn’t want to tell me? Fortunately before I let myself get too carried away I asked myself… What would be my intention in asking him? “To accuse him? [No that’s not it.]” “To tell him that if he doesn’t want my help, just say so? [No that’s not it either.]” A few more questions to myself about my intent and I got to: “To check that I’m not over-mothering and to let him know he can just tell me to stop.” The result… He laughed and said with a little boy grin, “Honey, I would just tell you, not to worry. Those couple of apples had fallen on the floor. And if I were throwing them out behind your back, trust me, you wouldn’t find them! Ha…Ha… Ha…”
Moral of these stories: When you begin with clarifying your intention for the conversation, you are much more likely to have the conversation go in a positive, relationship building direction.
Know How Practice: Apply it to your Own Leadership
1) Before your next conversation, ask yourself the following questions about your intent:
- What is my INTENT for this conversation?
- How might I state to the other person a GOAL for the conversation?
- What question do I need to ask the other person to make sure we have a SHARED intent for this conversation?
- When the conversation is complete, what do I hope will happen to our relationship?
2) Chose your Body Stance: If this is my intent, which body stance would be the best fit?
3) Practice your Leadership Communication Mantra: 1st Mind (Intent), 2nd Body (Stance), 3rd Mouth (Words)
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